Of Insecurities And Doubts

I’ve always been a little insecure and doubtful of myself and my abilities. I’m guessing this stemmed from being constantly compared since I was a kid. (- Thank you, Family! -) I, myself, am very self critical. There wasn’t a day that goes by without me self internalizing about what I could do better in order to be perceived as “better” than the peopleย I was being compared to. It wasn’t aย blatantย type of comparison, but it was more subtle. Hidden. Read between the lines thing.

“Oh, look at _____. She knows how to dress properly, and behave well in public.”

“Follow ___ example. She’s very good at handling money.”

Which was crazy talk because I was still a kid that time and I was being compared to someone older than me. I had no idea how to dress properly because I didn’t really care about my appearance. I didn’t know the value and importance of money because I was a kid. My mom gave me enough money and I am happy.

Now, that I am all grown up. I make it a point to tell my aunts and mom to stop talking about my two younger cousins in comparison especially when the two of them can hear. Or even if only one of them can hear. It isn’t advisable and it isn’t healthy for the kid.ย Let me repeat that, it isn’t healthy for the kid.ย I’ve carried over unconsciously comparing myself to my boyfriend’s past women in my relationships. It wasn’t healthy – not for my state of mind and not for the relationship. Plus, it’s not really an attractive attitude.

 

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People say that insecurities are normal. We tend to knit-pick ourselves of our flaws. As my mom always says, “Everyone has insecurities and flaws. It all depends on how you manage them.”ย  Thanks, mom, for your words of wisdom. So, after 24 years of existence (I turned 24 last week. Happy burpday me! <3) I decided to really combat self-depreciating thoughts. Actively, not passively.ย 

 

So here are someย inspiringย things I tell myself (and also do) in times of distress. LOL..

 

WHEN I FEEL UGLY, FAT, AND UNATTRACTIVE:

There will be days wherein you will feel really unattractive. You feel like you gained 10 pounds (when you didn’t). You look stressed out. You look like you didn’t sleep for three weeks. Yep, those days when you just want to stay at home, be under your covers, and hide from everyone because you don’t feel all that. It’s like your self confidence has decided to suddenly abandon you.

On days like this, I don’t look at the mirror because it only pisses me off and makes me feel frustrated. Instead, I take a deep breath and relax. Then I proceed to take a bath, try to tidy myself up, and dress well. I recall the words my mom said to me: “That’s just what you feel but other people won’t really see it.”ย  I think her point was to tell me that it’s all in my head. I may look a little haggard but my face yesterday is still the same as my face today.

If after tidying myself up and taking a bath, I still feel the same… I just accept it. Okay, I am ugly today then go about my day. I don’t let it frustrate me as much as it did when I was in high school or college. I had more important things to accomplish, and maybe after I accomplish the tasks lined up for the day, I will feel a little better and more confident.

Usually works.

** If you feel ugly, don’t let it ruin or run your day. Mind over matter, girls. **

WHEN I FEEL LIKE COMPARING MYSELF TO MY HUSBAND’S EXES:

I just ask myself this question:ย Would I rather be the ex?ย Then of course, the answer would be a resounding “NO.” Then I’d feel better. Haha! I guess it’s normal for women to compare ourselves to our boyfriend’s exes. I did so in my first relationship, and I still did it for a little while during my second relationship. But then I realized that it’s not worth it, and it only makes myself feel bad. I didn’t need that! I had better things to do than wallow in self pity. They were wonderful women (basing on their Facebook profiles) and they didn’t deserve the hate. I wouldn’t want a girl to hate on me without any reason too!

Now, I don’t compare myself to them because it’s fruitless. I am me and they are them. I decided to be a woman who builds up other women rather than tearing them down. It’s better. I try to cultivate positive thoughts towards them and wish them well. It helps and it makes me feel like I am a good person.

WHEN I FEEL TALENT-LESS AND UNDERACHIEVING:

We all have talents. I feel like mine is in the Arts like drawing, painting, and writing. ย The works. I know that I have no talent in music. I tried to learn different musical instruments like the guitar, but my hands just weren’t cut out for it. I tried learning the piano and it was alright, but meh. I can’t sing. I can dance but really average.

At 24, there are times when I would sit on the bed and blankly stare at the white wall. I would think about where I wanted to be in life, what I wanted to accomplish, and feel frustrated because at 24, I still wasn’t there. The self pressure is real. The more I dwelled on it, the more I felt like a failure.

My husband hates this habit of beating myself up a lot. It frustrates him. He says there’s no need for it, and he is right.

I remind myself that I still have time. Instead of looking at it negatively, I make a conscious effort to look at it positively.

I list down my accomplishments. At 20, I already graduated my Bachelor of Science in Nursing course. At 21, I passed the licensure exam for my chosen profession. At 22, I was already working as a Nurse Reliever at a big hospital in the city. At 23, I found the love of my life and got married. I tell myself that I am doing okay and that I still have time to do the things that I wanted. I stopped pressuring myself and just tried to do the best that I could daily. It’s the little tasks you do everyday that will determine where you will be in the future.

 

Dear reader, it’s okay to feel a little lost. We all feel a little lost. Life has no guide book. It’s okay to feel out of whack and insecure, but like my mom said, it’s how you manage it in the end. So hopefully, you learned a little something from this post that can help you. Remember, everyone has insecurities even that popular celebrity you see on TV but they don’t let it get to them, do they? We shouldn’t too. Don’t beat yourself up. Help yourself instead. โค

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